why goku would win: does superman sleep with his teenage cousin

In this early Superman story, we find Superman's first cousin, Supergirl, starting to get worried that Superman will never choose a wife and will end up alone forever. He tells her that he's never going to get married, so he can devote his life to defending Earth, to which we Earth residents say, "Awesome!"

Deciding that meddling in his life in a totally unrequested way is her only obvious choice, she starts trying to set Superman up with famous women in history and other superheroes, all with disastrous results. She apologizes to her cousin for meddling, and we then learn the creepy truth -- that Superman isn't as opposed to marriage as he previously said, it's just that he totally, definitely wants to marry his cousin. Oh, and by the way, she's 16, just in case this wasn't quite creepy enough as is.

Superman makes it perfectly clear that if it wasn't against the law on their home planet, he and Supergirl would be knocking Super-boots right now. Hell, from the looks of things, he can barely restrain himself from pouring them some wine and having a two-person tango right there in the Fortress of Solitude. Still determined to get Superman a wife, Supergirl steals a play from the previously discussed creepy Superman comic and finds an exact copy of herself in an alternate dimension that is all grown up and suggests that Superman go marry that girl.

Instead of waving off her childish love fantasies, Superman thinks this is a great chance to fulfill his lifelong cousin-marrying fantasy and flies to the alternate reality, where he immediately starts macking on the clone of his cousin and asks her to marry him, no questions asked. Not even "Have you been tested lately?" or "Have you been my cousin forever?" Superman ends up being incredibly happy with his pseudo-cousin, and it seems like things have wrapped themselves up nicely in a beautiful, creepy bow.

The only reason we don't currently read Superman and the Adventures of his Cousin/Wife is because the girl can't survive on Earth, so Superman has to leave her behind, destroying that random parallel-universe Supergirl's life and leaving Superman completely emotionally wrecked. In the end, there's a whole lot of crying, some unresolved sexual tension and Superman flying away sadly, still pining after his teenage cousin.

Yeah, here's your superhero, folks -- a shining example of moral integrity. Don't worry about him being near your daughters, though -- he only likes people he's related to. You're good.